Faith Polyamory

Looking For My Polyamorous Faith Community

As much as we say we’re all together and one big family, humans always find ways to separate. We pick a part of ourselves and search out others who match. Not in an attempt to other ourselves, but rather in an attempt to connect deeper with our fellow humans. We want that intimate connection that comes with finding community.

Here on this blog, I’m building my own space to connect with the communities I feel drawn to. Specifically those that fall into the three areas of my life that are lacking in the community support area: LGBTQ+, Polyamory, and Faith. So far the trickiest has been finding that faith-based community.

I am a part of our local polyam community. I interact with others in the local Facebook groups. And we have all attended the local meetups and get together throughout the years (pre-Covid of course). And because there is a lot of overlap, we are also getting plugged into the LGBTQ+ community, with plans to support, help out, and attend events when things are back up and running safely.

But church…?

Before Covid, Lovey and I had started church shopping, popping in on services as our schedules allowed to get a feel for the church and congregation. We noticed right away that many, almost all, touted the “we welcome everyone” message. But digging not so deep into their beliefs and mission statements, the message suddenly became clearer: we welcome everyone who believes the way we do.

During the more extreme lock-down months, we played with the idea of maybe just doing our own thing. Our reasons for church shopping were not only about the community. We also wanted that spiritual growth, that designated time to spend in His Word. There were plenty of resources online to do a kind of bible study on our own. We even attempted a shopping trip (when stores were open) to a Christian bookstore.

What we found

The biggest thing we discovered while browsing the shelves? There are very few studies designed for couples to do together. Even fewer for co-ed groups. Most are designed for either men or women, teen or adult, single or newly married.

Another thing we noticed was that nothing looked at the teachings from a queer perspective. Not surprising. There were only a few books in the entire store that even addressed homosexuality. And they were not flattering. (I *may* have hidden them.)

So what were we to do? We did settle on a couple foundational studies that looked at who God is at his core. And I recently started a brand new devotional for queer folx by these guys. (More on that coming soon!) So that took care of that part. But what about the community?

Community Recommendations

Asking for church recommendations in any polyam Facebook group is quickly met with crickets or smart ass remarks. Not exactly helpful.

Sure, we could attend a church that hit most of our wish list and aligned with most of our beliefs. We could just attend services and not mention that we were polyamorous. But how could we build those relationships, become a part of that community, and expect authenticity from others if we were not able to offer the same?

We are hopeful that soon we will be able to check out more churches. (I here there’s a vaccine out that could help us all get back to a new normal, with fewer lock-downs and more parties.) We are hopeful that we will find that faith community where we can be fully ourselves, no hiding. And that we will be accepted. But until then, we will have to create our own.

Share with me how you found your communities. Are you able to be authentic in your faith and your life? Or are you, like us, still keeping a part hidden?


New Year. New Resolve. New Bible Study.

I was recently invited to join a Bible Study with the daughters. A friend of mine had shot me a message about this new study she was excited to start. And she hoped that my girls and I would be able to join in.

Now Crumbs and Sassy are what we affectionately call “heathens”. They have no interest in faith right now. And we are raising them in an environment that lets them decide and figure it out on their own. We answer questions when they come up. We share out beliefs, and also what their grandparents believe. But we let them decide for themselves what they believe. Once upon a time we also took them to church. An activity they never seemed too thrilled about.

The Bible Study

It was to be focused on our daughters, with us moms guiding and walking along with them. To build up their faith and allow them to see it in action in us. Since it wasn’t about growing our own faith, but rather our daughters’ faiths, this wasn’t the right fit for us. I bowed out and wished them well.  Which is when she offered this: “Our church has a Women’s Bible Study on Wednesday nights that you’re welcome to join.”

I passed, and thanked her.

But Lucie, why would you pass up that invitation? Isn’t a Women’s Bible Study a perfect place to grow and learn in your faith, while also building community with others in your boat?

Let me count the whys.

First, the church hosting this group was one that Lovey and I had previously attended. Once upon a time, this had been our home church. It’s where I met this friend, and many others. This is the place that initially led me to the step of accepting Christ into my life. I found my MOPS group at this church, and I found myself.

It is also the place where Lovey and I fell apart. And while the friends we had made surrounded us with prayer and support, the church leadership did not. Leadership followed the protocol laid out in the Bible, rebuking and praying. Then washed their hands of the situation and moved on. They did very little reaching out to help our relationship heal and move forward. In fact, in one instance, they even actively tried to block me from participating in a conversation with Lovey about our marriage and their handling of it. They seemed more concerned with the repentance of one individual than with the healing of a family. That is not the church leadership I want setting an example for my kids.

A difference in beliefs

Second, Lovey and I are at a very different place in our faith than we were when we attended church regularly. We have both grown in our separate faiths, and honed in on the core things we believe in. And we slowly realized that a lot of those things are at odds with Church Life. Not at odds with the Bible, as far as we have read and studied. But certainly at odds with Church culture and the Christian Conservative views that permeate it.

We believe in religious freedom for all, which to us partly means keeping religious views out of policy making. We pray for an end to so-called conversion “therapy”. All of us are proud allies of the LGBTQ+ community and support equal rights all around. And these beliefs make finding a new home church tricky, and attending a church-based Women’s Bible Study even trickier.

I’ve been to those studies. They are usually larger groups with a handful of seasoned older women speaking louder than others. Their beliefs, as a group, don’t align with mine, at least in my experience. And if I am going to dig in to a Bible Study, to open myself up to the lessons I need to learn, I want to be my authentic self with those walking along that path too. It’s hard to grow otherwise.

Bible study during a pandemic

Third, in our neck of the woods, there is still the concern of Covid-19. Life is slowly returning to a new normal here, with shops and restaurants opening again, and gatherings being a little more common. But our family is still operating out of an abundance of caution, and limiting our interactions with new groups of people. Which means, any Bible Study group I want to attend needs to have a virtual or social distance option, something we have not found a lot of in our little corner of the world.

So what’s next for my faith?

While I am bummed I won’t be able to do this study with my friend, who is quite amazing in her own faith, I am not totally disheartened. I have recently found an amazing devotional that I can’t wait to start. And Lovey and I have also picked out a couple foundational studies to work through together. (Updates on all of these will pop up on the facebook page once we start, so be sure to like it if you haven’t already!) And once the pandemic is a little more under control, and we feel safer going out, it will be off to the churches to find our new faith community.

Let me know your thoughts: Are you a fan of the larger group Bible Studies? Or do you prefer smaller, intimate groups? What are some of your favorite studies or books that have helped you to deepen your faith?